October is, and I wasn't aware of this until two years ago, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month with the 15th being Remembrance Day. I know today is the 17th... I'm always late to everything, okay?
Before June 27th, 2011, I didn't know what an ectopic pregnancy was. I had my very first surgery that day, the removal of my right fallopian tube, and it sort of changed the way I thought things worked. I wasn't confident, for the first time in my life, I would actually be able to conceive naturally (especially without any solid idea as to why the fertilized egg got stuck in the tube to begin with). My fears, thankfully, were completely unfounded as only four remarkably short months later I was pregnant again with my now two-year-old son.
Most days are Remembrance Day, for me, because I look at my little boy and wonder about the life that could have been, if only she would have kept moving just an inch and a half more. I think about the strange emptiness I felt in the weeks following my surgery, even though I had only been pregnant for two months, and how the whole experience altered my moral foundation -- what were my priorities before then? All I had wanted, after seeing that blue cross magically appear on the little white stick, was to be "mommy". I hadn't felt like I had a real identity before then, and suddenly I knew my place in the world, and then it was gone.
Mostly, I look at my son and I am just so freaking overwhelmed with awe that it worked out. I know all parents say this about their kids, but he is amazing. Like, amazing. And also a maniac. And I am so thankful, because it doesn't work out so brilliantly for everybody. I remember how lucky I am.
I haven't done nail art in about 6546938368 years, a lot of it having to do with my nails looking like total crap, but I figure if there was ever an occasion for it, it would be the one that changed my life. I used:
Lilypad Lacquer - Baby Boy Blue
CoverGirl - Peek-a-Boo Pink
PinkDipsyBulle - Indian Ocean
some striping tape
and a little heart guy.
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