So I'm still pregnant, and right now I'm watching Chopped and literally dumping the last crumbles from a bag of Snyder of Berlin Vlasic Dill Pickle Flavored Potato Chips into my gaping maw.
Let me tell you a story about my first pregnancy. About half-way in, I was stricken with a sudden and desperate craving for a Taco Bell 1/2 lb cheesy bean and rice burrito, so I went through the drive-through and was told that the 1/2 lb cheesy bean and rice burrito had been discontinued THAT VERY DAY. I begged him to make one anyway, and was told that it wasn't possible because they didn't have all the ingredients anymore (which I later found out was a lie from the pit of hell) so I held back tears and ordered a seven layer burrito and nachos.
At boyfriend's house to eat, and I could only make it through the burrito, but I have this habit of assigning personalities to inanimate objects, so I started to feel guilty about ordering nachos but not eating them. But I really didn't want them, and my boyfriend didn't want them, and then he decided to give them a sad, little voice, talking about how excited they were that they were chosen and how important and special they felt, and then how utterly devastated they were that I was basically abandoning them to suffer in the trash, alone. My boyfriend loves to tell this story, especially the part where I break down and sob uncontrollably for 15 minutes because of how I've wronged nachos.
He burned me an apology CD later, titled "Cry all you want to; Nachos don't have feelings".
Sometimes when I laugh really hard during pregnancy, my brain's brain strokes out and I start crying instead. Like, not crying and still laughing, but pathetic sad-crying. The most recent culprit of emotional fudgery was due to this little gem:
I'm talking about my boyfriend a lot lately, god, sorrryyyyy, but he was talking the other day about how cats are the glitchiest animal, which I think is a perfect descriptor. They're all graceful and shit, but the second even the tiniest thing goes wrong they're just done for. Cats are weird, guys.
So nail polish. I bought the three most recent Enchanted Polish mystery monthlies and they had better rule so hard. I also bought, kind of a while ago, this Pahlish mystery holo that reminds me of DS Illumination with subtle linear holo. It's pretty... MAYBE I'LL SWATCH IT SOMETIME. I didn't tell you, but just after my last swatch, I broke two nails on my swatch hand and hacked all my nails off all gone. But now they're growing back, but they're still stumpy, and I wish my nail beds didn't grow practically out of the very tippy-tops of my fingers. :(
My blog has over 23,000 views on it, which I nev-er imagined possible. I feel like I just started gaining a bit of a readership (thank you! Brandy loves you!) and then I get all pregnant and drop the blog-ball.
I'll make it up to you.
What a hilarious post!
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend anthropomorphizes inanimate objects too. Stuffed animals are his forte, and he gives them sad little voices too like yours did with the nachos only he makes them all creepy and passive aggressive. The best one he did with food was with a half of a sub from subway where he made it dance and sing "Don't You Want Me Baby" in a really nasally voice, just hideous! What a spaz.
That cat clip is too much, who wouldn't lose it over that one? Your cat comment reminded me of one day a few weeks ago when my mother and I were having a discussion in her kitchen and her cat, who is this lithe handsome young thing, got too close to the edge of the kitchen table and slipped off. He tried to grab the table edge with his front paws to save himself but couldn't hold on and hit the floor with a resounding thud. He jumps up, takes a few steps, sits down, looks around and starts licking his fur like he didn't just make the most uncat-like spectacle of himself. Mom and I laughed so hard and so long I actually peed myself and we totally forgot what it was we were talking about.
Don't worry about your blog, it and we will still be here when you feel like getting around to it.
Okay, hey, peeing oneself isn't foreign in Pregland, let me tell you, just to get that out of the way. In other news: cat glitches, right?! The other day a couple of family members were on the back porch, along with my cat, with the screen door closed. Helmet, one of the dumber (and for that, more lovable) cats I've had the pleasure of owning, decided he needed to get the shit into the house like NOW. He seriously crumpled up like a cartoon accordion as he hit the screen full-speed.
DeleteBoyfriends, too. I don't quite understand the inherent desire to torture those whom they love the most. IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF.
Loved this post! You write well, I look forward to reading more whenever you feel like sharing something. Take care of yourself and your man, being pregnant is pretty crazy, but it's also pretty awesome. (hug)
ReplyDeleteThanks, dude! It feels legitimately good hearing somebody say that they enjoy my junk. My word junk.
DeleteI'm taking care of myself except in the eating department, in which I have absolutely no filter. If you are what you eat, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be giving birth to, um, ice cream and pie.
Yay, you're back! I completely understand about the hormone induced insanity - my step-daughter just gave birth to my grandson at 34 weeks, and she's been a mess for months. LOL
ReplyDeleteBut, didn't you say you were going to blog about your favorite sandwich or something? ;-)
Congratulations! I hate hormones. They wrecked me as a teenager and I thought I was over that shit, then BAM pregnancy and I'm as insane-feeling as I was at 16. Although actually, during pregnancy has been feeling great lately. I feel, like, normal for once. My brain isn't going a million miles an hour, and all of that. Trying to enjoy it now, because I'm sure I'll lose it a little bit after birth.
DeleteI'm going to seriously blog about my favorite sandwich, since I'm sure my polish posts are still going to be a bit few and far between. By the way, said sandwich has also been discontinued. :( All my favorite foods get taken away from meeee.